Today I am thinking about the future, we keep hearing all about how the world is going to end in 2012 and how everything is going to be changing etc etc, personally I don’t believe that the world is going to end, however it has made me focus on my life and my perspective of things.
Stress, I am sick of it! I hate the fact that 90% of the arguments that I end up in with Master is due to the fact that I am stressing out! I am not saying that having arguments in a relationship is bad, everyone fights and there are times that fighting is a good thing :) it is cathartic, gets out the things you have been dying to say, maybe thinking about throwing things at his head is bad but I feel better because of it. Most of the time I will admit that I am generally throwing some sort of a temper tantrum because I am tired and just not feeling good, Master tries his hardest to not provoke me but I still get extra worked up, at which point he will either tell me to stop or he will threaten to send me to my room/the corner. I wish he would just send me to my room or the corner because it just makes me calm down a lot quicker, there is less crying and it also helps me realize that I am not going to get away with any of my crap. I know that sometimes he has a hard time with putting his foot down but it is something were both working on, what we need to really develop is a schedule for me, I do much better when there is structure and rules in place that if I leave them without consulting him I get punished. Because of the changes we have gone through in the last 2 years (moving, having Anthony move in full time, and health problems) we have let a lot of our structure just go poofy, and to be honest I am not the greatest “slave” to begin with.
To clarify when I say I am not the greatest slave to begin with, this is not my normal lack of self esteem talking, I am not putting myself down when I say it this time. What I am saying is that I do not naturally move into the slave role, I need to be forced there and then kept there with his firm hands guiding me, without this I start to revert back to what I call “work Nicole”, she takes no shit, she talks back, and honestly the best plan is to just stay the hell away from her :D I try and revert back into my more submissive side but I am not sure how to “flip the switch”
Lately I have been reading Fet and some blogs that I follow in a bid to show myself that I am not a freak for not being instantly submissive, and that this can be normal especially when I go from 9 hours at work of having to be dominant to coming home to the complete reverse, to be honest I think a majority of my issue is that I end up with all of these feelings and I never actually get to express them. I should be writing in my journal that Master gave me but I haven’t, I expect that I will end up writing in my blog and anything that is too personal to share I will just have set to my view only that way Master can see it but you guys don’t have to hear about my more explicit stuff :D
Wow looking at what I have wrote just shows how off the topic I am getting lately....that's not good :D Onto other updates, I have recently become addicted to Pinterest.com, it’s an online PinBoard that allows you to save and “Pin” ideas, and websites for you to revisit, when I say addicted I mean ADDICTED :D I purchased a sewing machine and am trying to teach myself how to sew more things, I successfully made new Kitchen Curtains, I would like to make new ones for the Bedroom and the Sun porch.
We have moved back to Niagara Falls where I spent my high school years, I like our new place a lot! There is more room, the kitchen is amazing, we actually have storage space, and it came with a lovely covered deck and Hot Tub!! The move has been great, the distance to work was reduced, and the distance to Anthony's school was increased so were pretty much spending the same on travel.
I think at this point where we are is good, Master and I need to get some more of the structure back into our relationship, while I would love to play more, and have more sex, what I really need is the structure and the discipline to be reintroduced.
Well since I have managed to get off topic completely today, I am going to close up for today, I hope to be back tomorrow with some more to say :s
1 comment:
I came by to see if you'd posted your before pictures but instead read something that touched me so much more. Justin and Rob..damn, I can't even type that ..my Daddy and your Master are similar in the consequences department. It can be hard when you know you need to be put in your place and they're not doing it. It's led to more than one tantrum on my side too. Just remember, you have an ear here whenever you want it. I'm hoping to come see you guys soon. Maybe a slave girls session (just us girls) might not be a bad idea. Since moving, the lifestyle ..well, it's like I moved and left it there, in some ways. Big hugs!
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