So I thought things were looking up, an amazing couple that Master and I are friends with gave us the money to get our tickets and it just seemed like it was going well. We went this morning to get the tickets booked and as an added bonus they booked my brother, mom put the charge on her card and we were set. I was finally allowing myself to get excited, Fuck I made a count down at work till I was leaving and I could not wait to tell my lil brother ( I asked my parents to not tell him so I could surprise him, Man he was so excited) anyhow we were going over the etickets and the travel agent booked my brothers ticket properly then I take a look at mine and the price (which was cut off) is 7,000 before taxes.............what the fuck!! seems like he miss clicked and booked us on first class on one of the flights, seriously I cannot afford this.
This is too much, I was just beginning to get excited and then this happens it's like nothing is going to go right. I am so sick of it all, and I feel so bad because Master is trying to keep my spirits up but all I feel is like screaming "I DON'T WANT TO BE HAPPY THERE IS NO REASON TO BE!!!"
And then I remind myself how selfish I am, yah I am behind in my bills, yah I fear losing hydro and feeding ourselves but there are people out there who are much worse off, Today a blog I read on a very regular basis had a post about a woman named Lisa who had lost her 3rd battle with aggressive ovarian cancer, but she had kept herself up she was a fighter and was an amazing woman. So after reading Dave's' post I linked over to her blog http://clusterfook.com/ and began at the beginning of her blog and I was floored, here I am sitting at work holding in tears as I read this amazing womans blog about her fights with cancer and the amazing ability that the blogging community rallied to help her and sent her and her husband Dude and her two young girls Cam and Teenie to Disney World before there mother and wife got worse. Lisa passed away to her cancer yesterday and now all I can think about is how she managed to be an amazing person and face such a scary thing without becoming upset and desolate.
And here I am whining over a plane ticket, my health is good, my life is good, I have nothing to be so desolate over and nothing to get stressed about. Maybe Master is right maybe things will work out and I should stop stressing and driving myself crazy. I have amazing friends that are there for me thick and thin, Kath and her wacky sense of humor who is my friend but can understand me when I need super young like a baby advice, Jay Kaths awesome husband who has sparked a love of everything comic in me and lets my inner geek out and has taken me in as a friend even when I am a nutter, Sweezy, your one of a kind and I love you so much your a confidante, a best friend and amazing (or is it Awesome?) I could not believe not having you in my life since meeting you at the hell, Matt and Nadia both so separate but so a package, Matt the generous things that you did for me in this time and the love you emit when I am around, Nadia your amazing and I cannot wait till your back so I can drag your sexy ass to coffee and just cry and cry to get it out, My three stepsons who are the greatest kids in the world and they make me so happy each time I hear their voice or see their face, yah they drive me bonkers but I would never change them in a million years, there are so many other friends who I am missing but I have lost all hope of thinking right now.
My Family your in a category all your own, Dad I am a female carbon copy of you, stubborn, an ass, and generally a big idiot because of my temper and mouth, but your so amazing and you challenge me to be better and to make myself better, I love you Dad. Mom your such a support system you make me feel so much better and your such an amazing friend whether I need a hug, a ride or a good kick in the ass you deliver it with love, I love you Mom. Travis, TJ, Pinky, your my little brother and you have been a thorn in my Master plan since birth...... but your amazing, each day I see you grow so much and the young man you are and are going to be astounds me, do I get pissed at you Hell yah you drive me bonkers and I don't want to see you make the same mistakes that I dragged Mom and Dad Through it's just not right in my mind, so I try and challenge you try and make you a better person, I want you to succeed and know that you can always come to me for advice and help as I routinely come to you, I Love you TJ!!
Robert, Master, Soul mate, Best Friend, My World, My Everything, I cannot live in a world without you nor do I want to. My love for you grows exponentially and I cannot expect it to ever stop. I get mad and yell and scream and I say things that I instantly regret knowing I have hurt you but you need to know that I am never leaving you, us, this, your my life and your the only person I see through the storm and your the only one I want to see there, this will never change and I need you to know this. I am the worst kind of girl to get in a relationship with as I seem to try and sabotage my own happiness (who needs enemies right :P) but as one of my sacred vows I will try and stop I will try and keep it down, and I will walk down the aisle and pledge myself to you again and again if that's what it takes. I LOVE you Robert, I Love you my Master.
So my post has been long winded and lengthily and I hope you might have made it to the bottom, know if I missed you I love you too.
xoxoxoxoxox
nickle
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Pondering
Alright so I sit here at my desk pondering things.... will I be able to get the money for the plane ticket together? Will I be able to figure everything out in time for the wedding next year? And where did I put the batteries for my mouse it is driving me batty.
Lately I have been feeling less than happy, it seems that being positive is a waste of my time as I just keep being let down by myself and that is difficult to absorb. I had a mini break down the other day where I just said fuck it, why not be a pessimist and then when good things happen it is a lift rather being optimist and feeling squashed.. But I don't want to be a pessimist I want to be happy and goofy and enjoy my life as it come hurling towards me with reckless abandon. I like being the crazy girl, who tries anything once and is willing to go to the limit, so why does it always seem the happy girl gets squashed and let down? Well I am not going to let it happen or at least I am going to keep trying to be happy and believe that in the end things will come together in some way or another.
xoxoxoxo nickle
Sunday, January 11, 2009
A Lot
As You can see I decided to bring all of my posts over here as well as my live journal so they do go back as far as may of 2008, don't get freaked just read at your own pace :P
nickle
A Lotta Pain
So my face has been killing me for the last few days and thats stopped me from being able to post as it hurts to do almost anything. The pain is all thanks to my wisdom teeth deciding to make another performance, and on top of that I have to make a dentist appointment but don't have any money to pay them, argh damn you face damn you!!! Why the hell did we evolve with these damn things seriously why haven't they gone away like the unsightly back hair and such, I have evolved to eat normally stop pushing these damn things through, not to mention i found out you can be off for like 3 days with this so that means I need to schedule it around my damn days off, as there is no way I am wasting my "give up a shift" card for this damn tooth and god damn it I am going to make it to july without calling in sick!!!
In other news ...... nothing!! seriously I have done nothing lately, Went to the gym, tried to kill myself by eating Death by Bacon, and went to the Gym again. I am finding that in general after the gym I feel really good, not necessarily good about myself as i weighed myself and that was not 100% happy but good as in I have energy and just in general feel like I am able to do more, now this is just generally my feelings not sure if Master is the same but he has been doing much better, he can get up to almost 35 min on the treadmill and thats after doing his strength training on the machines as well so I am pretty proud of him for that, I am doing okay cannot complain at this point about anything except my tooth and how much pain it is causing me.
until the next blurb
nickle
In other news ...... nothing!! seriously I have done nothing lately, Went to the gym, tried to kill myself by eating Death by Bacon, and went to the Gym again. I am finding that in general after the gym I feel really good, not necessarily good about myself as i weighed myself and that was not 100% happy but good as in I have energy and just in general feel like I am able to do more, now this is just generally my feelings not sure if Master is the same but he has been doing much better, he can get up to almost 35 min on the treadmill and thats after doing his strength training on the machines as well so I am pretty proud of him for that, I am doing okay cannot complain at this point about anything except my tooth and how much pain it is causing me.
until the next blurb
nickle
Sick
Might be coming down with something, Master is sick and megan and wendy were before they were off from work for three days.
ugh hate being sick especially when I have to make extra money
ugh hate being sick especially when I have to make extra money
Blarghhhh
Seriously I don't understand how the company can think that outsourcing our call center is a good idea when I need to peer feedback the outsourced minacs companies 10 times a day.... just it doesn't freaking compute! It makes me sit here and go " Maybe just Maybe this isn't the right job for me maybe I should be out there and do something else" then I realize there is no way in hell I am going back to working at Timmies and I don't think that working in Customer Service face to face will help as i might kill everyone that I would have to speak to.
Oh for the care free days of high school where my worries were that I was a social outcast as were my friends, how my boyfriend was ignoring me, making sure I dressed okay, not killing myself snow boarding, and of course doing my school work!! But even then I remember that I worked almost full time through out high school and have been working since the age of 12. This is where I don't understand people, there is a discussion on fetlife stating that basically us "y" generation people are immature, irrational, and in experienced at life and there fore are just a nuisance (please note that this was just one person who chose to voice this against me but he was a jerk) then I sit back and think that in my short 21 years my experience and my maturity probably out weighs his vastly and that why should I care that he said this, well really I don't care per se but it hurt to be attacked that way, I was not pouting and trying to prove a point I was stating my opinion, My apology at the end about offending anyone was me following protocol from my Master, you don't get to decide that it was me being passive aggressive just because thats how it seemed to you. I am better than you, I will probably experience more than you as I am not some dumb ass who is to immature to behave, no in the end you might convince them that you views on me are correct and thats fine, I know that you're wrong, I know that I am better than you, and I know that if I even attempted to do the things to you that have led me to become who I am "Responsible" "Mature" "Intellgent" and generally not a retard that you would shrink away like a little bitch because you couldn't handle it, but me well I'm 21 so what do I know......
thanks for letting me vent there it totally just started pouring out and I just couldn't control it, that made me feel so stupid an worthless yesterday that I needed to vent my frustrations about what I felt.
back to our regularly scheduled ramblings!!!
Other than the stupid India RTC, and the dumb payroll fuck up, and the general discontent I am feeling life is going well, Suzy my bestest bud is doing well, so well that her room mate was asking if we had seen her as he hasn't, :D oh mike you must know what your doing in the boudoir :P
Kath is good as well and generally there is nothing new to report on in the life i lead, Master has the flu we believe and that has me on alert as that is something I do not need right now! keeping on my goal to not call in sick to work is very hard to do when I hate being here so very very very much!! well other than that there is nothing really going on hoping to go see a travel agent on my days off to get some quotes on dates and the like but other than that nothing is really happening, oh wait Master and I might be moving (don't freak out yet Suzy) there is no definite of this but we need some more space and there were some options we were going to look into before making a decision on it or not. my issue is I love where we live, the landlord and suzy downstairs, being close to my mom still, and just the general area so I have some reservations about it, on the other hand I would love more space....... oh what is a girl to do.
until more thoughts!
nickle
Oh for the care free days of high school where my worries were that I was a social outcast as were my friends, how my boyfriend was ignoring me, making sure I dressed okay, not killing myself snow boarding, and of course doing my school work!! But even then I remember that I worked almost full time through out high school and have been working since the age of 12. This is where I don't understand people, there is a discussion on fetlife stating that basically us "y" generation people are immature, irrational, and in experienced at life and there fore are just a nuisance (please note that this was just one person who chose to voice this against me but he was a jerk) then I sit back and think that in my short 21 years my experience and my maturity probably out weighs his vastly and that why should I care that he said this, well really I don't care per se but it hurt to be attacked that way, I was not pouting and trying to prove a point I was stating my opinion, My apology at the end about offending anyone was me following protocol from my Master, you don't get to decide that it was me being passive aggressive just because thats how it seemed to you. I am better than you, I will probably experience more than you as I am not some dumb ass who is to immature to behave, no in the end you might convince them that you views on me are correct and thats fine, I know that you're wrong, I know that I am better than you, and I know that if I even attempted to do the things to you that have led me to become who I am "Responsible" "Mature" "Intellgent" and generally not a retard that you would shrink away like a little bitch because you couldn't handle it, but me well I'm 21 so what do I know......
thanks for letting me vent there it totally just started pouring out and I just couldn't control it, that made me feel so stupid an worthless yesterday that I needed to vent my frustrations about what I felt.
back to our regularly scheduled ramblings!!!
Other than the stupid India RTC, and the dumb payroll fuck up, and the general discontent I am feeling life is going well, Suzy my bestest bud is doing well, so well that her room mate was asking if we had seen her as he hasn't, :D oh mike you must know what your doing in the boudoir :P
Kath is good as well and generally there is nothing new to report on in the life i lead, Master has the flu we believe and that has me on alert as that is something I do not need right now! keeping on my goal to not call in sick to work is very hard to do when I hate being here so very very very much!! well other than that there is nothing really going on hoping to go see a travel agent on my days off to get some quotes on dates and the like but other than that nothing is really happening, oh wait Master and I might be moving (don't freak out yet Suzy) there is no definite of this but we need some more space and there were some options we were going to look into before making a decision on it or not. my issue is I love where we live, the landlord and suzy downstairs, being close to my mom still, and just the general area so I have some reservations about it, on the other hand I would love more space....... oh what is a girl to do.
until more thoughts!
nickle
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