Can it get worse??

So I thought things were looking up, an amazing couple that Master and I are friends with gave us the money to get our tickets and it just seemed like it was going well. We went this morning to get the tickets booked and as an added bonus they booked my brother, mom put the charge on her card and we were set. I was finally allowing myself to get excited, Fuck I made a count down at work till I was leaving and I could not wait to tell my lil brother ( I asked my parents to not tell him so I could surprise him, Man he was so excited) anyhow we were going over the etickets and the travel agent booked my brothers ticket properly then I take a look at mine and the price (which was cut off) is 7,000 before taxes.............what the fuck!! seems like he miss clicked and booked us on first class on one of the flights, seriously I cannot afford this.


This is too much, I was just beginning to get excited and then this happens it's like nothing is going to go right. I am so sick of it all, and I feel so bad because Master is trying to keep my spirits up but all I feel is like screaming "I DON'T WANT TO BE HAPPY THERE IS NO REASON TO BE!!!"

And then I remind myself how selfish I am, yah I am behind in my bills, yah I fear losing hydro and feeding ourselves but there are people out there who are much worse off, Today a blog I read on a very regular basis had a post about a woman named Lisa who had lost her 3rd battle with aggressive ovarian cancer, but she had kept herself up she was a fighter and was an amazing woman. So after reading Dave's' post I linked over to her blog http://clusterfook.com/ and began at the beginning of her blog and I was floored, here I am sitting at work holding in tears as I read this amazing womans blog about her fights with cancer and the amazing ability that the blogging community rallied to help her and sent her and her husband Dude and her two young girls Cam and Teenie to Disney World before there mother and wife got worse. Lisa passed away to her cancer yesterday and now all I can think about is how she managed to be an amazing person and face such a scary thing without becoming upset and desolate.

And here I am whining over a plane ticket, my health is good, my life is good, I have nothing to be so desolate over and nothing to get stressed about. Maybe Master is right maybe things will work out and I should stop stressing and driving myself crazy. I have amazing friends that are there for me thick and thin, Kath and her wacky sense of humor who is my friend but can understand me when I need super young like a baby advice, Jay Kaths awesome husband who has sparked a love of everything comic in me and lets my inner geek out and has taken me in as a friend even when I am a nutter, Sweezy, your one of a kind and I love you so much your a confidante, a best friend and amazing (or is it Awesome?) I could not believe not having you in my life since meeting you at the hell, Matt and Nadia both so separate but so a package, Matt the generous things that you did for me in this time and the love you emit when I am around, Nadia your amazing and I cannot wait till your back so I can drag your sexy ass to coffee and just cry and cry to get it out, My three stepsons who are the greatest kids in the world and they make me so happy each time I hear their voice or see their face, yah they drive me bonkers but I would never change them in a million years, there are so many other friends who I am missing but I have lost all hope of thinking right now.

My Family your in a category all your own, Dad I am a female carbon copy of you, stubborn, an ass, and generally a big idiot because of my temper and mouth, but your so amazing and you challenge me to be better and to make myself better, I love you Dad. Mom your such a support system you make me feel so much better and your such an amazing friend whether I need a hug, a ride or a good kick in the ass you deliver it with love, I love you Mom. Travis, TJ, Pinky, your my little brother and you have been a thorn in my Master plan since birth...... but your amazing, each day I see you grow so much and the young man you are and are going to be astounds me, do I get pissed at you Hell yah you drive me bonkers and I don't want to see you make the same mistakes that I dragged Mom and Dad Through it's just not right in my mind, so I try and challenge you try and make you a better person, I want you to succeed and know that you can always come to me for advice and help as I routinely come to you, I Love you TJ!!

Robert, Master, Soul mate, Best Friend, My World, My Everything, I cannot live in a world without you nor do I want to. My love for you grows exponentially and I cannot expect it to ever stop. I get mad and yell and scream and I say things that I instantly regret knowing I have hurt you but you need to know that I am never leaving you, us, this, your my life and your the only person I see through the storm and your the only one I want to see there, this will never change and I need you to know this. I am the worst kind of girl to get in a relationship with as I seem to try and sabotage my own happiness (who needs enemies right :P) but as one of my sacred vows I will try and stop I will try and keep it down, and I will walk down the aisle and pledge myself to you again and again if that's what it takes. I LOVE you Robert, I Love you my Master.

So my post has been long winded and lengthily and I hope you might have made it to the bottom, know if I missed you I love you too.

xoxoxoxoxox
nickle

Pondering

Alright so I sit here at my desk pondering things.... will I be able to get the money for the plane ticket together? Will I be able to figure everything out in time for the wedding next year? And where did I put the batteries for my mouse it is driving me batty.

Lately I have been feeling less than happy, it seems that being positive is a waste of my time as I just keep being let down by myself and that is difficult to absorb. I had a mini break down the other day where I just said fuck it, why not be a pessimist and then when good things happen it is a lift rather being optimist and feeling squashed.. But I don't want to be a pessimist I want to be happy and goofy and enjoy my life as it come hurling towards me with reckless abandon. I like being the crazy girl, who tries anything once and is willing to go to the limit, so why does it always seem the happy girl gets squashed and let down? Well I am not going to let it happen or at least I am going to keep trying to be happy and believe that in the end things will come together in some way or another.

xoxoxoxo nickle